The Velveteen Armadilla

In these reality television infested days, there is the ever-present danger of imitation: individuals see an action on TV, decide to try it, and suddenly we’ve got countless amateur rose ceremonies and civilians eating cow snouts all willy-nilly. At the risk of sounding like a wet blanket, the stunts on these shows can be dangerous without professional supervision. People don’t realize that there are dangers involved. Roses have thorns, people! And cow snouts have… well, please just put the snouts down. Really. I’ll buy you some crackers or something.

The dangerous and gross stunts are the main ones that seem to attract this mimicry. You never read about someone suing the producers of Seinfeld for a botched attempt at amiable sarcasm. But this past weekend, I was a willing participant in a cinematic reenactment of epic - or at least ‘double batch’- proportions. Tasty and danger-free – who could ask for anything more?

Let me set the scene for you. Apparently, in a little place I like to call “the South,” they have some unique wedding traditions. No, not marrying your siblings. A different tradition. While we northern folk usually have a single tiered wedding cake, these “Southerners” have been known to also serve what’s known as the Groom’s cake. Now, why the groom can’t just suck it up and eat the other cake, I don’t know. I’m not a southerner. I do know that ‘groom’ quickly stops looking like a real word, though. Groom, groom, groom. The Groom’s cake is usually a non-white confection, in compliance with the equal opportunity cake-flavor selection act of 1875.

Usually, the Groom’s cake is in an unusual shape, usually reflective of the hobbies or lifestyle of the groom. Most of these cakes are made in the South, and an extremely informal survey I just conducted reveals that most of the cakes are either the General Lee, some sort of visual tribute to illiteracy, or maybe a picture of his cousin or something. You know, as a tribute to “the one that got away.” Or as a tribute to his new bride, who knows.

About a week ago, I helped bake a red velvet armadilla Groom’s cake- complete with the obligatory gray icing and one of us saying “that looks like an autopsy” at least once every few minutes. Here follows the account of this creation.

“I can make anything – except snakes. I don’t have the counter space.”

We decided to make a double batch of red velvet cake, because according to Heather, we were, ahem, serious about this enterprise. We had already been to the store and purchased all the necessary ingredients. Then we had Jessie pick up more red food coloring, because we grossly underestimated the maximum recommended daily allowance for red food coloring. After a delicate and impressive kitchen ballet, it appeared that we were mid-way through the cleanup at the scene of Gumby’s grisly murder. The only real casualty was Kim’s shirt, which now bears a tiny red badge of courage. Way to soldier on, Kim’s shirt. We salute you and your resistance to laundry detergent.

Now, when you’re making a red velvet armadilla cake, it’s a commonly held tenet that crafting the beast out of seven smaller cakes is, well, a bit “too much.” And since five cakes is obviously too few, we decided to make six. Double batch, folks. We didn’t really have a choice. As luck would have it, the oven had a six-cake capacity. Sometimes, things just work out. This cake was meant to be.

“I can’t even begin to think how you’d make gray icing.”

Gray icing production can be quit complicated. First, you have to buy black food coloring. You still with me? Okay- I know this sounds crazy, but you’re gonna want to put a few drops into some white icing. Stir, and voila! Gray icing for all your gray icing needs. Incidentally, the process for making gray icing is remarkably similar to that of making gray teeth and a black tongue. Some of us knew that instinctively, Denise had to find it out through trial and error. For a more realistic looking armadilla, mix a few different shades of gray icing for the detail work. Also, Google armadillas for an appropriate model. So ugly they almost go right around the spectrum to cute again. Almost. Bonus trivia fact: gray icing is just as tasty as white icing, so how ‘bout you put some plastic wrap on that until you need it and get your fingers out of the bowl.

“Thanks, Ouiser. Nothin’ like a good piece of ass.”

Piece of ass, indeed. But once your cakes have baked and cooled, there’ll be pieces of lots of things on your counter. Pieces of feet, ears, me, you, torsos, ileums, aortas… it really depends on how detailed you want this thing to be. Now, be sure to refer to your Internet photo (no, not that one) to form a realistically posed armadilla, because the Internet is completely trustworthy in all respects. This could take some time, unless the picture you printed off shows an armadilla curled up into a ball, in which case it’s obvious to me you’re in this for all the wrong reasons. You may as well go buy a cookie cake from the mall for all the creativity you’re exhibiting. Please excuse yourself.

Now, the rest of you – you should have what looks like a naked armadilla, if skin were clothes and yours didn’t have any. That red velvet cake sure adds a disturbing amount of realism, doesn’t it? Ha! And eew. Let’s get some of that frosting on there. Quickly. You can used your knife to create the banded-plate pattern most armadillas have, or just spread it on there already, because we’re all getting hungry. If you’re into animalizing your food (well, more than we already have) you can put googly eyes on your cake. Or, if you forgot to buy googly eyes, raisins work too. You can also use cut-up Nilla wafers as claws. We don’t know if armadillas have claws, but we’ve been wanting to get rid of those Nilla wafers. Plus, they rhyme: armadilla, Nilla… I don’t know where I’m going with this.

“People are gonna be hackin’ into this poor animal that looks like it’s bleedin’ to death.”

Go ahead, dig in. The jokes really write themselves. Also, be sure to serve the cake by making guests specify what part of the corpse they wish to consume. It adds a whimsical touch to the event. Red velvet armadillo Groom’s cake is great to eat while watching the movie, best to eat at a wedding reception, but really, good to eat anytime. Well, not anytime. Calories, calories!