It's Not Junk, It's Free!

It’s amazing how attractive something can become when it’s free. “Who on earth would ever use that combination can opener/hairbrush? What? Free, you say? Can I have two? I think my roommate would want one, too.” Not that I buy things I need, either. Even the phrase ‘on sale’ isn’t enough incentive to convince me to buy something anymore. There’s bound to be a way to get it for free, and with two dollars in my wallet to last me for who knows how long, I am bound and determined to find out how.

Food isn’t a real problem, as long as something good is being served at Jester’s. And with the magic of meal cards it’s like I’m getting it for free anyway. I seem to forget that I paid almost $800 at the beginning of the semester to put on this card, and for all intents and purposes it’s free food. “Hey, everybody! Chicken sandwiches on me and my mystical plastic card!” The only possible trouble is if nothing good is being served.

Short of hoping for a candy-throwing parade to come through downtown Valparaiso, not much can be done. Perhaps for an amateur, anyway. I, uh, HEARD of some clever individual who managed to score free food at an engineering picnic. Apparently she had a friend who was a legitimate engineer, so she tagged along and used her amazing acting prowess to transform into a freshman engineering student. A few choice phrases from an actual engineering friend and the façade was nearly foolproof. “Man, Physics 141 is really killing me.” “GE 100 is so boring…” And suddenly I was a freshman ME, enjoying a free hamburger and glass of Dr. Thunder (yum…) and shmoozing the profs. Maybe I should be a theater major instead. Well, maybe if they have picnics.

Now when it comes to unnecessary free stuff, nothing beats the Career Fair. Honest, I went over out of a heartfelt interest in my future career. Not seeing anything overly interesting, I proceeded to rake in the freebies. I now have enough pens and highlighters to last me well into next semester and two foam can holders. Two flashlights in case of a power outage, a quarter holder necklace, and some weird bendy rubber snakelike thing from BankOne. I even managed to get a genuine metal Slinky. Admittedly, my roommate and I had to walk by very slowly and speak quite loudly of our undying love for the metal toys before the woman asked us if we each wanted one. Really? Us? Well, yeah, okay! Thanks! Subtlety is the key. After we completed the circuit we hurried back to our dorm room and spread our loot on the floor like kids on Halloween. Free stuff as far as the eye could see.

So the moral of the story is: free stuff is cool, spending money is not. I haven’t bought a CD in who knows how long thanks to Napster, got a free Bible from those old men who were hanging around EVERY exit to EVERY building on campus, and snagged some free postcards from the art museum to send to my friends. Once I find some stamps that the post office didn’t cancel the first time, I’ll send ‘em right out. It’s not cheap. It’s creative.