I've been a quasi-member of the business world for almost two months now. I feel confident that this qualifies me to write, based solely on what I've seen and have by no means tested in any way, a comprehensive guide to the business practices of today. So if you desire to dominate in business, read on. I'll take you through the ins and outs of presentations, meetings and some other topics. Honestly, those are all I've thought of. But if I think of anything else, I'll be sure to tack it on to the end of this extensively researched and very well-written instruction manual to commerce.
First, I feel it is beneficial to the complete understanding of business to look at the word itself. Business. Look at it. Just sitting there. No, seriously. I meant we're going to look at the etymology of the word. Or perhaps the entomology... well, one of 'em means word studyin' and one of 'em means bug studyin'. I'll be leading the word one, but what you do on your own time is no concern of mine. So business- let's break it down. First, we've got 'bus.' Lots of people take buses to work in business. This isn't to say that a career in business doesn't pay well enough to let you buy a car. Maybe these people are concerned about the environment. Or, they really like meeting new people. Or maybe their son needed to borrow the car because he had a dentist appointment, at least he SAID he had a dentist appointment, he better have one, because if he gets arrested one more time, he can just stay in jail and maybe it'll teach him a less- but anyway. Public transportation. The second part of the word business is 'i.' It's a dog eat dog world out there, and I gotta look out for me. Or I, if it's you talking. I think you'll find my logic quite flawless and self-explanatory on this point, so we'll just press on. The last part of the word business is 'ness.' This harkens back to Loch Ness of Scotland. This lake may or may not be home to Nessie, a legendary aquatic animal. Business is like Nessie in three main ways. First, they both make a lot of money. Secondly, they both are very elusive. And thirdly, they both have flippers. Now that we have that cleared up, let's talk business.
One of the most integral parts of business today, I've noticed, is meetings. These meetings occur in specialized areas of the company known as meeting rooms. These rooms can be greatly varied; for example, the company I work at has one very technology-oriented meeting room. It has big screen televisions (yes, that's right, plural), projectors, surround sound and enough Internet hookups so that every participant can have upwards of eight computers. This is to facilitate teleconferences, supposedly. To this, I say, hey, howzabout I bring in some DVD's and we can teleconference with them while we do some online shopping on the company’s dime? No one gets hurt. Would all those with a strong work ethic please step forward? Not so fast, me. Other meeting rooms have a table and old, bad books. I don't mean 'bad books' as in a limited edition leather-bound copy of the Matrix: Reloaded script (I love you too damn much), nor do I mean graphic romance novels which prominently feature codpieces (no pun intended). I am normally a fan of books. But with titles like “Business: 1,000 Treatises on Micromanagement” and “Zen and the Art of Cubicle Organization,” these books were destined to die alone and unread on a shelf in a windowless meeting room. Perhaps they are meant only to spew the funk of good business practice into a room, much as an air freshener spreads the scent of flowers or vanilla. You're not gonna find out from me, because I'm not opening 'em.
Meetings themselves are available in several flavors as well. I am forced to participate in the 'weekly meeting.' During the weekly meeting, there is much Discussion. Items to be Discussed usually include ideas, papers and many other nouns. The use of multi-consonant acronyms to describe these nouns is greatly desirable. Vowels may be added only to form cutesy words out of the acronyms. These cutesy words cannot legally have anything to do with the words they are formed from, as that would facilitate 'understanding.' Notes should be taken, and a general idea of the status of something should be ascertained.
Another type of meeting I have been a part of is the Quarterly Meeting. (Insert thunder here to indicate importance of the Quarterly Meeting). As a temporary employee with a job length expectancy of 2-3 months, it was quite obviously important that I should attend this meeting, whose main topic was the five-year plan of the company. Presentations were given, speeches were made, soda and coffee were drunk by jerk co-workers who didn't tell me where the Quarterly Meetings was, so I got there too late to get a soda. Overall, though, the Quarterly Meeting was a success in my mind, and the reasons for this are fourfold. Firstly, I didn't have to pay attention. I'm sure employees should have some sort of concern about the state of their workplace; however I am both temporary and completely lacking any sort of work ethic. Secondly, they showed video of stuff exploding. You have to screw up the rest of a meeting pretty badly to give me a negative memory of a meeting where stuff was blown up, if you know what I'm sayin'. Thirdly, there was food afterwards. Also, the meeting was held during work hours. In an analogy to school, which is all I have known up until recently, any field trip is better than class. And I got paid to be at this thing. Thus, Quarterly Meetings are a-okay in my book.
Another important aspect of business is presentations. I have seen a few in my short time here, and I feel comfortable making broad, sweeping generalizations about all presentations based on that extremely limited exposure to them in a business setting. A running theme of successful presentations that I've seen was something of a surprise to me. Clip art. The transfer of knowledge is secondary to the propagation of as much clip art as is humanly possible. Exceptional use of extremely rare and unusual clip arts have led to promotions, knighthoods and quite possibly immortality, judging by the import placed upon these tiny, poorly rendered pictures. And it's not enough to merely have the clip art in your presentation: each clip art must be explained as thoroughly as possible. The explanations can state an obvious relationship between two nouns (i.e. "I put the clip art of the severed hand in my presentation about worker's comp- isn't it cute?") or a more abstracted metaphor (The wizard looking through the telescope represents our customers, searching for a good product. Our customers generally aren’t wizards- at least, not that I know of. And also, they probably don’t use telescopes unless it’s on a recreational basis…). The use of clip art is a highly respected art form and can make or break your business venture.
Finally, in order to have a successful business, you will need secretaries. There are many large misconceptions about secretaries. For one thing, secretaries are now called 'executive assistants.' Also, they do much more than answer phones and make coffee. Today, executive assistants talk about whatever reality TV show was on the night before and discuss private matters way too loudly as well as answer phones and make coffee. Your executive assistant, depending on the make and model, may create presentations (clip art included, don't worry!) and order food for Meetings (see previous section regarding Meetings). Executive assistants can also type at the speed of light, dial with deadly accuracy and organize reasonably well. I guess you don't really need executive assistants. But it's a useful position if, say, your kid sister needs a job real bad.
Now that you have the knowledge to take over the world of business, all you need is a power suit and a briefcase and you’ll be all set. And also, let me know if these tips work. I’m sure not going to use them- the business world starts too early. It’s really a shame… this beautiful collection of clip art is going to go to waste.
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