You Say Potato- And Nevermind What I Say. Savvy?

Recently I went to Best Buy, or as I like to call it, "I Want Everything In This Store.” I had to buy a network adapter for my computer. As much as I pretend to know about computers, I didn't want to have to return to the store to return an adapter that was meant for an Australian koala-factory computer system, or something of that nature.

The computer section was abuzz with activity, occupying all of the usually rabid salespeople. With no one latching onto my throat until I agreed to a 54-inch and monitor and rust deflecting underbody coating for my CPU, I was left staring dumbly at a vast wall containing perhaps a billion boxes, give or take twenty. After about thirty seconds, I began to perform the dance of the passive-aggressive confused consumer, to the tune of 'I Don't Know What To Buy, Help Me.' It's catchy and has a good beat. Feel free to improvise; the basic movements are pretty standard. They include, but are not limited to thoughtful and/or confused stares, shuffling your feet, picking up a box, putting down a box. Lather, rinse and repeat until you have been helped.

After a few steps a friendly, computer knowledgeable sales guy approached me. "Can I help you?" he asked, ever so helpfully. I assured him that he could, and explained my quandary in the hopes that he would present me with simplified options- like talking to a toddler. "Milk or Kool-Aid?" translated into computer peripherals. He grabbed two boxes and held them out. "Well," he said, "this one is very simple to install, you just plug it in and you're ready to go. This other one, however, has to be installed inside the computer. It's probably for the more computer sway-vee." He continued speaking, but I stopped listening. He didn't really just say 'sway-vee,' did he? Surely I had misheard him. I turned my ears back on. "...So if you're not as computer sway-vee..." SWAY-VEE! He continued in earnest as I struggled to keep a straight face.

He meant savvy, I think. But somehow, he had gotten it mixed up with 'suave' (which really had no relevance to our conversation) and a healthy dose of training in hypothetical English pronunciation. It was as if he had been diligently studying a word-of-the-day calendar purchased from the misprinted 'as is' bin of a Merriam-Webster outlet mall. He must have said it about five more times, and I think more of myself as a person because I managed not to laugh. I purchased my non-computer sway-vee adapter and left in a state of mild disbelief.

Now, I don't mean to mock this kid. Okay, maybe I do. But when I sat down and thought about it, I realized that I pronounce things incorrectly all the time. So as a sort of penance for this online exposure of his ineptitudes, I offer up to the gods of grammar a few of my own faux pases. Faux pasii. Screw-ups.

In my experience, I've found it's best if you can keep these mutated pronunciations in your own head. For instance, one night while I was reading, I had a minor mental lapse. I came across a word spelled h-a-v-e, which I pronounced hay-ve. Shut up, it was late. In my mind, it rhymed with pave and save and I had never come across it before. "Hmm," my sleep deprived brain thought. "I don't know what that means." So I did what any rational person would do- I looked it up. Did I mention it was late? "H.... HA.... HAV... here we go, h-a-v-e. It means 'to be in possession of.' Oh, kind of like have-" I think it was at that point I decided that it was time for bed.

I've also butchered 'Des Moines.' Yes, I know you don't pronounce the s's. Now. Just kidding, I’ve known that for quite some time now. But when you're driving on unfamiliar highways and your trusty navigator can only stutter "uh, uh" when you ask what road you should be on and the exit is coming up and it's now OR NEVER... well, I think mispronouncing the name of a city is excusable. I got us there, didn't I? Besides, if you're en route to Iowa, you better start dumbing it down as soon as possible. Seriously. I think you know what I mean, Iowa.

Let's see... and these mistakes aren't limited to when I'm tired or rushed. Not by any means. After going to a movie, I read the word 'steak' to rhyme with 'peak.' That would have been fine- had I just shut up about it. "Hey," I asked, brazenly flaunting my stupidity. "Look at that- the password to the website is 'steek.' What the heck does that mean?" Sigh. The mockery ensued. And henceforth, Steak'n'Shake restaurants were known as Steek'n'Shake. Thanks, pals. That's what friends are for.

Okay, one more. Ever seen peacocks fly? Yeah. I hadn't either. So when I saw one fly off a roof at a zoo, I thought my family should share in this spectacle of nature. I ran over to them, shouting to alert them to the flight. "He's flewing! He's flewing!" I shouted. “He’s what-ing?” my family shouted in reply, completely ignoring the bird. And they still haven’t forgotten it. Yes, English is my first language.

So when I make fun of the Best Buy guy, it’s as a kindred spirit. We can’t all be pronunciation sway-vee.