Bored of the Dance

I recently had the opportunity to attend a statewide high school dance competition. And by ‘had the opportunity to attend,’ I mean ‘was strongly encouraged due to sisterly bonds pointed out by my mother and thus decided, possibly under duress, to attend.’ It was like being an extra in ‘Bring It On,’ something I never wanted and still don’t want to do. I learned a lot, and I’d like to take you along to explore the seamy underbelly of the high school dance association.

The competition was held at a local high school, which serves a dual purpose: to remind spectators how glad they are that high school is over and to reemphasize just how absolutely and totally bleachers suck. I developed an acute case of bleacher butt syndrome, or as it is known in the medical community, BBS, to gain this data. I’m not trying to add import or a sense of validity to the account that follows. Yes, I am. It’s all true because I suffered for it. And any mental anguish from the BBS in no way influenced my final opinion regarding dance in general. Pinky swear.

I realized that as an audience member, I was fulfilling an almost sacred bond. Audiences are important because they watch the dancers. If a dancer dances in a gym and no one is around to watch, will he or she still have an unnaturally large smile on his or her face? It’s a philosophical question that has plagued our society since the beginning of time. Audience members are also important because they yell. Not words, necessarily, just noise. Why? It’s anybody’s guess. I was there, and I couldn’t find any discernable pattern. This particular audience seemed to favor kick lines, rows of spinning and any males doing anything dance related at all. Seriously, the mere sight of a high school boy in a leotard and these people could have out-noised a DC-10 jet engine. And I was lucky enough to be a part of this seething mass of rabid family members, some of whom even had shirts declaring how they were related to a particular dancer: ‘Kasey’s Dad,’ ‘Jenny’s Sister,’ ‘Trixie’s Half Cousin Twice Removed Through Marriage.’ I saw a woman wearing one that said ‘Lisa’s Mom.’ I nudged the Lisa’s mom who was sitting next to me and asked if she had been lying to me all these years. She shrugged, glanced nervously away and then quickly changed the subject. I’m still not sure how I should take that. Luckily, a leotarded prepubescent lad flounced onto the floor and any awkwardness dissolved into mindless screaming. Phew… dance saves families!

On to the aspects vital to a successful dance. From what I could tell, one of the most important aspects of a dance routine is the music. Therefore, it was also the loudest. Optimal volume will result in eardrum ruptures, so you can use aural bleeding as a sort of guideline. But before you can set the volume to the appropriate levels, you’ve got to choose the type of music. Here comes the fun! One possibility is to choose a single song. This song can be from any era, as long as it’s fast and loud. Feel free to pick and choose parts you like and then add enough bass to induce a heart murmur in anyone listening to it. You’re ready to go! If one song isn’t enough to encompass the full range of your obviously impressive dance vocabulary, you can create what’s known as a ‘mix.’ Creating a mix is a complicated process, but I’ll try to walk you through it. First, put a blank tape into your stereo. Next, turn on the radio and press the ‘scan’ button. Begin recording, and stop when you feel like it. Don’t worry if you catch some talk radio- the judges seem to like that. Especially if it’s a talk radio show about creepy and/or mechanical futuristic things. To finish off your mix, you’ll need to add some arbitrary audio clips (whips, birds, the Windows log on melody, etc.) and enough bass to induce a heart murmur in anyone listening to it. The final music option is an extremely popular one, so feel free to jump on this bandwagon. This method entails dancing to ‘Bring Me To Life’ by Evanescence. Yes, that’s it. We, as audience members, cannot hear that song too many times. Just make sure you add enough bass to induce a heart murmur and… well, you know.

Next, we’ll have to work on costumes. Costumes are critical, because they keep you from being naked when you perform. How far from naked you wish to be will factor into your costume choice. Some dancers evidently wanted to be naked quite badly, while others wanted to have skin made out of neon spandex. There was a huge variety, though, and to illustrate this I present the following two vignettes. (Vignette, of course, being French for ‘humorous description of what I saw.’) The first group danced to a Disney medley or something equally wholesome. They wore pink fluffy fairy outfits. If I were to choose a theme for their dance, it would be ‘we love puppies and pink chiffon and you! But mostly pink chiffon.”

The second group, on the other hand, wore black. “Well, what’s wrong with black? It’s slimming and chic and easily hides blood stains,” you say, assuming you are a homicidal maniac who is also into fashion. Well, I would reply, after backing to a safe distance, allow me to continue. Black is usually fine, except I think they ordered their costumes from the wardrobe department on the set of the Matrix, and were sure to ask for extra skank. Pleather, zippers and buckles. The theme to their dance, were I to assign one, would be ‘If you come near us we’ll kill you and then hack into the government and bring this country to its knees. But first we have to apply some more black lipstick.’ Very scary. And I’m sure their parents in audience were so proud.

Other costume highlights included some sassy little neon pink and orange numbers- I think the girls on that team were ambassadors who were competing on behalf of 1983. Another group looked like their costumes were made out of fire, apparently they went shopping in Hell to find them… and there was a sale. Basically, your costume choice can be based on lots of factors, including your music, dance moves and whether or not you want me to think you’re a whore.

I suppose another important aspect of the dance would be the actual dancing. Now, aside from a few years of tap starting when I was seven, I freely admit my utter dance ignorance. Even then, I didn’t know all the feet parts and my teacher put me in the back. As it turns out, the ‘feet part’ is rather important in tap dancing. Who knew? But dance teams aren’t about tapping. They’re more on the leaping-wiggling-jumping-and-landing-on-your-pelvis end of the spectrum. But I can tell you what I saw, in the hopes of helping you on to dance superstardom.

If you’re into tossing people, an activity which is usually frowned upon in say, a professional setting, the world of dance might be a good place to get that out of your system in a way that won’t end in litigation. Another group choreographed their dance according to the beliefs and teachings of Sir Mix-a-Lot. ‘We have butts,’ each of their dance moves proclaimed, and at the end of that dance, every single audience member was convinced… they did indeed have butts.

From what I can tell, you can pretty much turn anything into a dance move. “Hey guys, look! I call this one, ‘eating sushi!’” And then five minutes later, “I call this one, ‘I forgot I had a crippling seafood allergy!’” Feel free to get creative. Dance is, after all, life, if the hundreds of t-shirts being sold at the competition are to be believed.

I’ve got to be honest; I cut out long before the awards ceremony, having fulfilled my dance quota for the next thirty-odd years. As it turns out, there are a lotof dancers in Indiana. Perhaps they should consider seceding and forming their own state- of funk! You might think that’s a little extreme, but if so you obviously didn’t go to the competition. If you ever do get the chance… don’t. You’d be better off staying home and watching ‘Bring It On.’ At least then you don’t have to sit on bleachers, depending on your living room furniture, and you’ll have a mute button right there. Use it and be glad: you can slake the thirst for dance that burns within you without that pesky hearing damage.