Thumbs Down, Nature

I think we can all agree that for the most part, most available features on the human body turned out all right. Thumbs, for example. Without thumbs, we would live in quite a different world. Artists would have no way to hold their palettes, Roger Ebert would have no way to rate movies, and thumb wars would only be discussed theoretically. There’d be no spaces between words- how would you hit the space bar? Clearly a world without thumbs is one of confusion and fear. Seeing the simple genius of the thumb might lead one to infer that all human features would exhibit such flawless design. But you’d be wrong. There seem to be quite a few pointless extras included in the “person package.”

I present exhibit A: the blush. It has been said that no one can embarrass you unless you let them. This helpful piece of advice speaks volumes about self-esteem and assurance, and was obviously said by someone who never attended middle school. What is unfortunate about this quote is that you can’t tell it to the blood vessels in your face. No matter how nonchalant you may appear about, say, walking into a freshly cleaned glass door or continuing to sing even though the music has long-since stopped, your face emits a glowing testament to what you’re really feeling. What’s the point of blushing? It seems like this is a practice that would have been stopped a long time ago.

Blushing seems, at least to me, to be one of the most pointless activities we as humans can partake in. You might think that this is inspired by a recent embarrassing experience. To this I say, shut up and stop looking at me. No, just kidding. I can only assure you that it was not inspired by anything that happened lately. And it’s not like I don’t do embarrassing things. I do extremely embarrassing things all the time. I have plenty of embarrassing stories, and that’s only counting the ones that I’m not repressing. I’ve done the classic favorite ‘make fun of your professor for something he said in class, not realize that he’s standing right behind you.’ I told all my friends I was going in for my driver’s test, and then promptly failed it. Then, another time, I was at a summer resort with my family, and I snuck up to the staff quarters with a guy who worked there. He introduced me to the head dance instructor, and all I could say was “I carried a watermelon.” Aah! I could have died! Well, I’m pretty sure that two of them are my experiences. The last one might be a scene from Dirty Dancing.

But this wasn’t inspired by any event in particular, other than me watching X-Men recently. Which did get me thinking: how did we end up with the standard response to embarrassment being that your face turns red? I’ve got a suggestion. Instead of turning red, how about… instant camouflage? So, for instance, you’re traveling in Scotland. Unaware of the prevalence of kilts, you make an offhand comment involving transvestites and a pleasing Tartan plaid. Instead of being well received, your comment draws the scornful attention of the surrounding Scots. How embarrassing! Luckily, with your newly evolved blushing abilities, you quickly blend into the surrounding ocean of plaid. No harm, no foul. And when your humiliation fades and you become visible again, surely your comment would have been forgotten. And if not, England’s a beautiful country. Head there for a while.

Now about crying. What possible purpose could eye seepage have in relation to feelings of sadness or happiness? In my experience, it has only served to let everyone sitting near me know that I, for one, think the end of the movie is very sad, even though I’ve seen it before and I’ve read the book. I will admit that tears are helpful if you get something stuck in your eye, such as a piece of dust or a finger. Not a piece of a finger. If you have pieces of finger in your eye, I don’t think tears are going to help you. I’ve thought of an alternative for tears. Whenever you start crying, your tear ducts would emit both tears… and tear gas. That way everyone can share in the beautiful emotion that you’re experiencing. Who’s laughing now?

Another thing I don’t understand is fainting. Back in the day fainting, or swooning, was all the rage. All the cool kids were doing it. Just about anything could be used as an excuse for fainting, too. Heat, danger, a scandalous situation, small mammals, Elvis- all were acceptable reasons to lose consciousness and slump lifelessly to the floor. Real good defense mechanism, Nature. Bravo. Nowadays people mostly faint due to pain or gore. Now, pain I can understand. That’s your own natural anesthetic. But gore? Perhaps I should clarify. By ‘gore’ I mean blood and guts, not the former vice president. Well, maybe Al Gore makes some people faint. Be careful, though, because ‘fainting’ and ‘boredom induced narcolepsy’ can look remarkably similar. Back to gore, though, what good does fainting do? Sure, you can’t see it anymore. But you’ll wake up and see it and faint all over again, creating a vicious circle. I think a better reaction would be a feeling of nausea, or maybe a sudden urge to get a mop and clean up. Or both, for that matter. Someone’s going to have to clean that up.

On the whole, we’re doin’ okay. We got our thumbs, like I mentioned earlier. Eyeballs and livers are some other successes that spring to mind. And that whole inner ear balance thing- whoa- my commendations, because I never could have figured that out. As a final suggestion, instead of foot odor, how about mental telepathy? And telekinesis? And metal claws that spring from between my knuckles? I may have to wait a while for that one. In the meantime, maybe I’ll watch X-Men again. Roger Ebert may have given it a thumbs down, but what does he know? As far as I’m concerned, he’s taking those thumbs of his for granted. Pointing them up and down all willy-nilly. You’d better appreciate your thumbs- who knows what you could have ended up with?