Choked out a Polka

I know, another song. I don’t question it, I just bow to the gods of timing. Actually this was written when I was neck-deep in Lutherans at Valpo. Just how hardcore these folk are was impressed on me at a Reformation Party held by some of my classmates. The party featured 95 Jell-O shots, 95 theses scotch-taped to a door and the pièce de résistance: a ritualistic chanting of The Reformation Polka sung around a roaring bonfire stoked with, let’s face it, probably Catholics.

Yeah, I don’t know why I went either.

Kidding! I went because of friendship and a little bit because of beer. I stayed because I was afraid any movement of a non-Lutheran object could ignite the rampant, airborne Lutheranism and make me a target. Then the singing began. The challenge had been made- the line was drawn, the weapons were chosen.

Unfortunately, it takes time to write a song, and returning to the site of the party a few days later when my song was complete would have reeked of a comeback that comes to you too late to be of any use (see also: jerk store). So in solace to all the other Catholics at Valpo and beyond, I offer this song. Use it wisely.

The Reformation Polka: A Catholic’s Response
sung to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidoceous

We all know of our German friends, they can’t go many years
Without attempts to overthrow and conquer all their peers.
Once upon a time they made a list of why they’re bitchin’
“Can’t cut it as Catholics so we’ll make a new religion!”

Chorus
Martin Luther bobble heads, framed pictures on the wall
We’ve lowered all our standards so hey, folks, come one come all!
Join us and be Lutheran, there’s one thing you must do –
End everything you say with “This most certainly is true.”

“We don’t believe God’s in the Host, at least not all the way.
You don’t need to confess your sins to priests on each Sunday.
We’ll write down what goes on in church so there’s no need to know it –
Our reverends can get booty so they each can have a ho.” It’s…

Chorus

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest, sit next to Martin Luther.
We love him just as much as You, and really that’s the truth. Er…
Did we say that out loud? Now let us just get one thing clear.
God is really super. (pause) Let’s all go drink some beer.

Chorus

“Lutherans are right!” they shout. “Just look at all this proof!
Almost a hundred theses, it’s no wonder we’re aloof.”
When we’re all dead we’ll have to see if God gets pissed for libel,
I hope He doesn’t care how many books are in my Bible.

Chorus

When I first came to Valpo, I guess I was naïve.
I came here for a major but I’ll leave with a pet peeve.
Lutherans can lecture me for endless lengths of time –
As long as they’ve a bulletin so they know all their lines.

Chorus