An Experiment in Safety

Anyone who has ever taken a science lab can tell you how much rules about safety are stressed. I suppose I can see the point; there’s just so much potential for havoc. I should know; thinking about this havoc potential is what keeps me occupied during my downtime. Well, that and the Internet. And email. And music. For the purposes of this narrative, we’ll say lab safety is important in my job. Because I deal in dangerous substances, baby. Like salt. And food coloring. And my job sucks. Next paragraph.

Usually first and foremost on any lab safety list is ‘no horseplay.’ This doesn’t have anything to do with Mr. Ed’s chances of becoming Dr. Ed, which are pretty slim anyway, but not because of this rule. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that horse has been dead for quite some time. It also means that the lab is no place for fun. I can vouch for that: fun is the lab’s archenemy. Occasionally, they’ll have a brief truce when there’s a pile of dry ice in the sink or someone tries to wash out a glove and creates a latex geyser. But the truce is always short-lived.

Lab: Hee. That’s kind of fun.
Fun: Yeah? You like that?
Lab (noncommittally): It’s all right.
Fun: Girl, please. That was nothin’. I’ve got a lot more ideas if you’re interested.
Lab: I dunno. Maybe. I’ve got a lot of work to do here. [pause] And I friggin’ hate you.
Fun: Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be?
Lab: Pretty much. Get out and stay out.
Fun (muttering under breath): Fine. Then you can play ‘Guess Which Bacteria Culture I Poured Into Your Lemonade’ all by yourself. Ass.

And speaking of mystery bacterial cultures, label everything. I can’t even imagine the ochlochracy that would result from a mix up of 0.1 M and 0.01 M fluorescein dye. On the other hand, excessive labeling could be an indication of obsessive-compulsive disorder. For example, a guy I work with, not naming names, not that it would matter, actually labels his coaster. And not just ‘coaster.’ It says ‘public coaster.’ Er, okay. So to fulfill my duty as antagonist to all who have weird habits that don’t make sense to me, I labeled mine ‘private coaster.’ And I put up a little fence around it. That’s right. Go find a public coaster to sop up your beverage condensation, proletariat scum. This one’s all mine. Mwah, hah hah.

But really, you probably shouldn’t be eating or drinking in the lab. Especially since we regularly flout the ‘no horseplay’ rule with our bi-weekly Lab-Lympics, with events such as the Dirty Beaker Toss and the Bacterial-Luge. So who knows what’s flying around and sprinkling in your drink? Broken glass, acid, some of the shorter lab techs…But what’s that? You skipped lunch? Go ahead, then. It’ll probably be fine.

With all the detritus flying hither and yon, it’s a good thing most labs have a rule about wearing goggles. Put them on. I don’t care if they mess up your hair. Hair should be pulled back in the lab anyway, lest a rogue Bunsen burner singe it off right to your very scalp. That’d be bad, because burning hair smells terrible! So wise up, baldy. We’re talking about protecting your precious, precious eyes! Since when have scientists been concerned with style, anyway? Goggles are very important! I mean, I don’t wear ‘em, but they are. The scariest thing I work with is dye. Besides, the elastic strap musses my hair and makes me look nerdy.

Should you manage to get something in your eye, there are eyewash stations at many sinks in the lab. When on, the eyewash directs the water from the faucet into two streams of water that can be used to clean your eyes, much like those golf ball cleaners at mini-golf places. But if you need that much cleaning, it could be an indication if improper eye usage. But eyewashes are good for washing chemicals out of eyes. Unless of course you’re wearing contact lenses, in which case your only recourse is to melon ball your eyes out lest the liquid trapped beneath the lenses eats through your corneas like so much tissue paper. Isn’t science fun? Eyewashes are also helpful to leave on, so when someone tries to wash a beaker, the water streams immediately soak the entire front half of their body. People can’t get mad at accident preparedness! Well, maybe they can. No running in the lab, you two!

There’s also a shower, in case you work real hard on an experiment and you’re all sweaty and gross and your lab partner doesn’t want to sit next to you anymore. I think. The only time I ever saw them used was during the first few days of a science class when we could usually talk the teacher into demonstrating how they worked. I remember being impressed by how well the shower shot water everywhere, and effectively wasted half of class while the teacher would squeegee the floor. Don’t never say my high school education never got me nowhere.

Another oft-covered topic is pipetting. As a quick refresher, a pipette is like a really precise turkey baster, and also what I work with. Er, along with several top-secret projects that frankly, I’d love to talk about but can’t due to the binding legalities of my contract being strictly confidential and what-not. Suffice it to say I don’t just work with pipettes. I am not a one-trick pipetting pony. Really. Where was I going with this? Surely not calling into question the mental stimulation quotient of my current job. Oh- pipettes. They usually come with a bulb (much like the aforementioned baster) or a dial or a cool battery powered suction thing I saw recently. But perhaps I’ve exposed my inner nerd and said too much. Anyway, we were always harped upon to not pipette by mouth! Don’t do it! I know that’s how we used to do it back in the day, but we were fools! FOOLS! Now where’s my novelty beaker glass full of ambiguously colored beverage?

The reasons for this rule are quite obvious in my mind. In the lab, we deal with some very caustic liquids, like concentrated acids and bases or Kool-Aid with two scoops of powder instead of one. Mouth pipetting can lead to accidental ingestion. And what if it turns out you really like the taste of nitric acid, and you can’t get enough of it? So you drink the whole class supply and we don’t have any left to do our experiments? So why don’t you quit thinking about yourself for once? And don’t think Tums are gonna do anything for the acid reflux you’ll get. You’re on your own there, bucko.

There are also lots of rules about clothing, and these work together to keep the scientists of the world looking as dowdy as possible. Think about it: lab coats, no open-toe shoes, hair back, gloves, goggles... smart is sexy, folks, but it’s hard to tell underneath all that nerd accoutrement. And we can’t have all the scientists running off to go clubbing with the beautiful people of the world! There are diseases to be cured! Phenomena to be investigated! Animals to be shrunk!

So what have we learned here today, kids? Safety first! Unless you’ve got a really good idea involving fire or liquid nitrogen. Well, try make safety is in the top ten, at least- somewhere after pyrotechnic difficulty and aesthetics. Y’all have fun with science, now. Ya hear?