Rose-Colored Lab Goggles

I’ve been realizing that a lot of my articles highlight the negative aspects of my job. So to avoid, or at least take a break from, being called a cynic, I've decided to dial down the negativity and take a look at the good aspects of my job. Okay- engaging happy thoughts, because if I don't something soon, insanity is pretty much inevitable.

The first benefit would be the music. After the first few days of being bored to tears while working with a coworker who refused to play a game with me (refused! Who says no to a game?) I began to notice that lots of people were wearing headphones. Judging by their cube decor, it was probably either Björk, Japanese pop or audio from a surgical procedure performed without anesthetic. Seriously, they're weirdos. And not in the 'quirky' sense. Like, in the 'the F.B.I. should be monitoring you' sense. I've been avoiding the software area for a reason.

Once the construction started my mind was made up: given the choice between severe hearing loss from loud music and ruptured eardrums due to percussion-oriented construction, I chose music. And since I have it playing all day, non-stop, it's kind of like I’m in a movie, and it’s my soundtrack. Makes it seem less lame when all I'm doing is walking to the bathroom or entering data into a spreadsheet. Or AM I? Cuz it sure sounds like I'm sneaking into a top-secret facility disguised as a bathroom after weaving the correct path (by memory alone, mind you) through a laser maze. And then hacking into some top-secret files that have been encoded to look like spreadsheets. Had you fooled, I see.

On a related note, my job is a great setting for imaginary work settings. I mean, do you have any idea of how many insidious things can go on in a lab? I friggin' do. My imagination has been seeded with all the possibilities that mad science has to offer. Really, think about it. I watch X-Files. I know what's going on. Cloning, hybrid creatures, alien technology, super humanoids, new versions of computer solitaire... And while we’re on the subject, I'd like to extend a heartfelt thanks to all the mad scientists who are as dedicated to their inane causes as they are short on test subjects, forcing them to experiment on themselves. Way to take one for the team and fuel countless movies as well as my imagination. Because when you work in a regular office, what illicit behind-the-scenes drama can there be? Insider trading? Embezzlement? An office supply pilferer? Tame, when compared to the imagined violations of nature that can occur in a lab. And now that the applications lab has been moved to a new section, it has done nothing to assuage my suspicions. In fact, it has all but confirmed them. Obviously I got too close to the truth. Now to figure out what theory they're afraid of me knowing.

Another good part of my job is that I don't have to deal with people who assume that I know that they'll want the hideous plastic reindeer they're purchasing in a box, and brat to my manager when I don't put it in one. Even though you never asked, jerk. Or explain to women that I, in fact, can't offer them a lower price when they don't think a pair of baby pants is $22 worth of cute. In short, I don't have to be on the 'retail worker' side of the sales industry ever again. And I think we can all breathe (and shop) a little easier for that. If I never see someone drop $1,500 on ornaments again, it'll be too soon.

We're also on a bad power grid, so the power goes out rather frequently. This may sound like a bad thing. It isn't. Reason one: I can't work without power. But I do get paid without power. Reason two: Darkness only ramps up my willingness to believe my own crazy theories. Sitting in a dark warehouse lit only by blinking LEDs? Scary. Sitting in a dark warehouse where it's quite likely that an artificially created lab mutant has escaped from its cage because the deadbolts can’t lock without electricity (similar to that scene in Jurassic Park, but not to the point of copyright infringement) and now it's skulking in the dark, as mutants are wont to do, thirsting for the taste of some obscure internal organ secretion, as mutants are also wont to do? Petrifying. Almost as scary as run-on sentences.

Some other things I like about my job not worthy of a full paragraph by themselves? Glad you asked. I get to wear jeans everyday. I have loads of 'down time' to use the Internet and write. I can get pens out of the supply cabinet whenever I want them. The floors are made of Nerf, and shoes are optional - unless you have gross feet. Also, once you work here for a week, you receive a free cubicle kitten. Naptime is from 1:00 to 3:00 pm. Massage chairs are standard issue. We have the top-secret version of Windows that never crashes, and the only way into and out of meeting rooms are twisty slides into ball pits. Driving home, eating dinner and going to bed count as payable overtime. Employees are exempt from split ends and halitosis. Geese don't attack me in the parking lot and there's no creepy guy in software with a poem about babies with rabies hanging on his cubicle. Yahoo!

So this has been an interesting look at my job from this new 'the beaker is half full' perspective. See what I did there? I put a scientific nerd-spin on the classic optimism/pessimism... never mind. I see how it is. Maybe next week I'll write about how science isn't funny and how I'm just working with what I have, people. Come on.