This past weekend, I participated in the second annual Labor Day Weekend of People I Knew at Valparaiso University Roadtripping to be Stupid Together: PIKAVURST. Yeah, we're working on the acronym. This year's festivities took place in Sandusky, Ohio - home of Cedar Point, Tommy Boy and some of the sketchiest people and establishments I've seen these twenty-three years. It was great.
We rolled into Sandusky early Friday evening and began exploring the town. Aside from some excitement over establishments from my childhood (Tops, anyone? Friendly's? You mock the Clown Head Sundae and I'll kill you where you stand) there was a surprising lack of, well, everything. They should really just name the whole town Cedar Point and stop the dance of pretending it's separate from the park at all. Not even a sign of Callahan Auto. Although, as we were driving down the main drag we did discover the compact, 2-door version of the van from Dumb and Dumber. That's right: pup to that van's dog, it was a true mini-shaggin' wagon complete with fur, a tongue and ears. We told ourselves we'd come back for a picture, but when we did, it was gone... either stolen or purchased, each about as possiblity just as plausible as the other. There is no photographic evidence of the dog car, but if you at the very least don't want to believe that such a car exists, your heart is cold and dead. We also saw an eating and bowling establishment known as the Thirsty Pony, which featured something called 'fat burgers' and terrifying graphics of a pony morphing into a bowling ball. I suppose that's better than a pony morphing into, say, a fat burger, but either way I’m glad we didn't eat there. We, of course, watched Tommy Boy while we were there. Watching Tommy Boy in Sandusky- I'm surprised the Matrix didn't just swallow us up right then and there.
Saturday we attacked Cedar Point. Well, after taking the hotel shuttle to 800 other hotels first. On the way we were regaled with stories of shuttles past, drunk passengers of yore and the driver’s too-loud cell phone conversations. She sure was chatty. After that, and walking to the gate, and buying our tickets with Pepsi can discounts, that park was ours for the taking. We rode a lot of death defying rides, so I'll just recap.
Raptor
First ride we jumped on. Sort of a hefty line, but it gave us our first chance to do what would become a theme of the weekend- inconspicuously staring at people. I now know where tacky, "witty" t-shirts go to die: the theme parks of America. We saw one chick wearing a straight-out-of-the-80s off the shoulder shirt. It apparently didn't bare quite enough of the sisters for her liking, so it appeared that she had enlarged the neck with her teeth. Then, as if the shirt wasn't already shrieking it to the world, it read "I put out on the first date." So subtle- she was a true lady. Other shirts included "Cancel my subscription, I don't need your issues" "F.B.I. Female Body Inspector." I can only assume these shirts make up for some genetic function these people are otherwise incapable of thanks to generations of inbreeding. Oh, and Raptor was a pretty good coaster.
Millennium Force
Commonly referred to as the 'Millennium Falcon' because get off me, I only saw Star Wars a few years ago and I knew that name sounded familiar. This beast has a 310-foot drop and goes 92 miles per hour, which is even faster when compared to the average of -33 miles per hour you travel while in line. Millennium Force was my first experience with the greatness that is the Freeway Pass. You get your hand stamped and then can cut into line later in the day. Great time saver, but it gave me the feeling that everyone who had been waiting was glaring icy daggers of death at the back of my head. I could be paranoid. Or I could be projecting, because I know I did that when people cut in front of me with Freeway. Jerks. Anyway, Millennium Force was great. It totally pimpslaps gravity and is all, "Your services are not needed here, biznatch. Go get me a Slurpee." I appreciate that in a roller coaster.
Power Tower
Gave us a great view of the park and the phrase "I'd rather shoot up than go down." That is all.
Magnum
With a 210-foot drop and a top speed of 72 miles per hour, Magnum XL200 is known as the Best Steel Roller Coaster in the World. Who hands out these distinctions? More importantly, how did they get those jobs? You probably gotta know a guy. I don't think I do. Anyway, the 'Best Steel Roller Coaster' title must not hold much clout with Dragster looming in the distance, because this had one of the shortest lines in the park. We went on it many, many times trying to stage the optimal photo. And by 'optimal' I mean 'didn't have Laura's hair blocking half the shot' or 'sat Tara so you could see more than her eyes peeping above the seat back.' Hee. Short. We didn’t end up bying, but at least we have our memories...
White Water Landing
Let me state for the record that I have the worst luck on randomly soaking water rides. So you can understand my hesitation about this log ride. Tara insisted, and probably due to our whingeing in line, agreed to sit in the front, where you would THINK all the water would go. We called consecutive places in line, happy that Tara had agreed to be splash fodder. As the back position, I was especially pleased: surely, no water at all would make it back to me! Then a man in front of us turned around and informed us that the back seat is the wet one. Then he laughed. We'd called, stamped and double stamped our seats and no one would switch. Jerks. That man was very correct. At least it was hot out by that point, and the back seat gets a backrest. My cotton pants dried pretty quickly. I decided to ride the wave of good luck to
Thunder Canyon
…one of those white water rafting ride that bounces around and under waterfalls of lovely Lake Erie water. Mmm. On the path to this ride, people had left items they'd rather see stolen than wet on rocks and in bushes - always a good sign that the ride ahead will leave you competing in your own private wet t-shirt contest. We were herded into the raft and set adrift on the River of Chance. Moisture ensued. It'd be hard to figure out an equation to predict our chances of getting wet, due to the spinning and chaos theory and my hatred of math, but I can give definite percentages on the results of this ride. Fifty percent of us made it out dry. The other 50% were wearing wet denim the rest of the day, with 25% seriously regretting wearing a white shirt to the park.
Top Thrill Dragster
Luckily, they had plenty of time to dry off while we grew old in the line for Dragster. I freely admit hating the people with Freepass for this ride. The majority of the wait was weaving and standing and walking and tedium, so we'll skip to the boarding platform. It was the most fun I've ever had in line. We had divvied up into the car slots, the techno funk was blasting, and we were all that nervous kind of chatty you get when you think you might die, but probably won't because surely they safety test these rides, right? Right? We were united in sheer terror. We ran the gamut of age: all the way from an eight-year-old girl to some guy who I swear was Blue from Old School. We all rode it- and we have the photo to prove it. The next night, we decided to try it again, perhaps so some of us could open our eyes this time. Catie. But the Dragster is a fickle mistress. The second night, it took 2 hours and fifty minutes in line, three breakdowns and a rollback or two before we rode again. About two hours in, we vowed not to let the machine win, and eventually, humanity triumphed. Humanity even raised her hands the whole way and is more than a little proud of that fact.
This year's PIKAVRST was a total success. We showed that town a thing or two. We flirted with danger! We laughed at death! We ate amusement park food prepared by untrained college hockey players! And aside from the late-night Pitch ‘n Putt and throwing something off a bridge, we did everything there was to do in Sandusky Ohio. Not bad for a weekend’s work.
Which PIKAVURST participant are you?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment