Rules in the World of X-Files

10. Guards in top-secret government facilities shall have sustained eye injuries which render them completely without peripheral vision.

9. Shot in the face? And you think he's dead? Have you ever seen this show?

8. Vancouver's program to breed the creepiest child imaginable is well underway. Yikes.

7. I can reconcile with Krycek. Doggett's growing on me. But I will never hate Monica with anything less than the white hot fury of an endless procession of eternally burning suns.

6. Did you guys bring a flashlight? Because we didn't spring for lights. Ever.

5. No, Scully didn't see the (insert truth-revealing phenomenon here). She was unconscious/ locked in a closet/ ten steps behind/ performing an autopsy/ blinded by a voodoo doll (delete as necessary).

4. On second thought, guys, better leave that hospital set right where it is. We may end up using it. Every. Single. Episode. This season.

3. Flesh wounds, especially severe ones on the face, leave no scars.

2. Even if you velcro it to your hand, you will lose your gun in a fight. If you're Mulder, you will lose both your guns and a little girl will probably hit you in the face.

1. If you can get past the paranoia, contortionistic liver-consuming killers, ear worms, pyromaniacs, ancient nocturnal insect swarms, giant flukemen, alien abductions and implants, bovine stomatotropin testing, escalating fetishists, clones, alien oil-viruses, circus freaks, defeatist psychics, train cars buried in New Mexico, robotic cockroaches, dog-eating lake monsters, not-safe-for-cable inbreeders, reincarnation, government conspiracies, nose cancer, babies with tails, not-long-for-this-world mystery daughters, shape-shifting alien bounty hunterss with acerbic green blood, vampires, Bermuda Triangle, body swapping, ghosts, tofutti rice dreamsicles, an overtly Christ-figure baby we don't hear about after he is no longer a plot point, a disappearing male companion and basically the whole ninth season, being assigned to the basement office with the FBI's loose cannon conspiracy theorist agent isn't all bad.